I felt led to write this tonight because recently, I have had quite a few friends come to me with relationship issues...all of which led to the termination of the relationships. It is my hope and prayer that my writing brings a little bit of encouragement to anyone who might be reading this.
To my dear friends, I think you are all great people coming into this world with something unique to offer. You deserve meaningful, respectful relationships. I did a group activity for adolescents in an in-patient psychiatric unit once about healthy and unhealthy behaviors and qualities to look for in dating partners. I only remember some of them, but it turned out to be an excellent activity for all concerned. Unfortunately, I have had to learn much of this the hard way.
Healthy
1. Encourages you to be an individual, engage in activities you find enjoyable, and pursue opportunities in which to better yourself. Do you want to be with someone who is going to deny you that? ...Ok, that's what I thought.
2. Makes an effort not to create conflict with you and your family. Lord knows my family is a hair eccentric, but that's not for someone else to come in and tamper with. Your family (good or bad) is a MAJOR part of who you are. Your date needs to respect that.
3. Finds a way to make time for you despite having a full plate already. Ok, this is a BIG thing with the friends who have talked to me recently. Everyone I know has a lot going on. Work, school, family obligations, commitments, etc. I am not out to say that these things are not important and that you should not allow your date to have some personal time, space, etc. There is a time for consideration regarding these things. HOWEVER, people make time for what is important to them. If you both want the relationship to work, you will come up with something. It may not be your first choice, but you will figure something out. You are too good for the bullshit associated with the "busy" excuse.
Unhealthy
1. Blames all the issues in the relationship on you. Ok, this obviously is a problem for several reasons. For one, there are two imperfect people in this relationship, and unless you're dating Jesus, it is impossible for ALL the issues to be about you. Seriously? Of course, if you do something (which you will if you things last for more than a week), own up to that, but don't sit there and take the blame for everything that goes wrong. Your date is not immortal.
2. Embarrasses you in public. Does your date embarrass you in public on a regular basis? Make comments in public that leave you mortified? Frequent lapses in adherence to basic social norms? Things that seem minor now can become much more significant down the road. Little things like littering, stealing even the most insignificant items, etc can be an indicator of your date's character. You can blame it on a bad sense of humor, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life trying to justify your date's behavior? I didn't think so.
3. Solves conflict by diagnosing you with a psychiatric ailment. I think this applies more to the ladies, but everyone can learn from this. She might tell him that a comment he made was hurtful. Instead of trying to figure out why the comment hurt her feelings, he tells her that she is "too sensitive" or has "low self esteem". He does something she doesn't like and she becomes angry and he tells her that she's "over-reacting". If you think your date does have a problem with depression or anxiety, etc, there are caring ways to discuss these things. However, chances are pretty good that you might just not be very emotionally compatible rather than you having a mental problem. Leave the diagnostics to the professionals.
Ok, so that's just a start. I'm sure you could help me add more things to this list. It would be nice to come up with something more inclusive. Maybe one day we can publish and save someone some heart ache. I wish healthy relationships (family, friends, and significant others) for everyone.
~Michelle
